There are days that are not always happy. Truthfully, I like to pretend that I am in great spirits most of the time, but my husband can tell you that this facade is doing none of us good. Throughout the years I have pretty much perfected my happy face, which is both good and bad because, of course, there are things that the whole world does not need to know, but there are also things that I should be able to share with people around me.. But I have never been good at that. Even when I was young, and upset with something, I couldn’t face my parents.. I could write them letters and notes though. I feel like I did that a lot, but you can ask them. I am sure many of the things I wrote to them about were trivial and silly, but I was only a child so it was okay.
Then, I was a child.. Now, I am an adult..
And I have yet to learn how to honestly face myself and deal with my issues.
In my time here in North Carolina, which is now more than a year (crazy how time flies!), I have had lots of time to myself, to think. Sometimes I wonder if this is the cause of my negativity and irritability at times. I just don’t know.. So then I end up harboring all of these feelings inside and then barf them at once in my journal or this blog or.. Anywhere.
Feelings are so complicated! Half the time I don’t even know what is going on inside of me, or if it’s my head or my heart or my soul or any other part of my being! Most of the time I push all my feelings away so I can focus on pretending to be okay with my life right now. But that’s fake. That’s a lie. And that’s a sin.
What in the world..
Here’s the thing, I don’t really have many close friends here apart from Caleb. It’s so different. In high school I had a core group of friends, and in college I was able to bond with people easily because classes were so small.. But here.. I don’t see anyone on a daily basis, even a weekly basis isn’t there sometimes. There’s so much under the surface but I am scared to uncover it because, well especially now, so much time has passed. Do people really think they know me? Do people think that I know them? I don’t feel that way. Nope, not really at all.
And it isn’t that I don’t want to be close to people, but I am shy.. So telling people the story of the life that I have lived is kind of scary. I guess even if you aren’t shy that can still be uncomfortable.
Well, I don’t really know how to end this, especially because it isn’t really done.. There is so much more to be said, but I promised Caleb we’d go on a walk.
This song has been resonating with me today.. Check it out if you want: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9QvQJ9xVK0