So often I find myself wondering what I am doing wrong. Or what if I had done something differently, would things be better? Or easier? I wonder about if I am doing enough, or doing it well enough..
All this worry about my “performance”, wears on me. And it makes me feel more empty, rather than alive.
I am kind of at that place right now. There is so much to do with school, because it is the last few days. There is so much to do for my wedding, because there is 86 days left. There is so much to do with relationships, because I know some people I will not see again for a long while.
There is so much to do. And I am getting burnt out. I can feel my heart, and it is very light. And not light, as in the light-hearted happiness, but light as in there is not much of God there.
It’s a little funny (and yet not) how, even though I go to a Bible college, I can still not get enough God in my life.
But I was reading in my devotional journal deal today, and I became encouraged. Yes, even though I have had a stomach ache for over 24 hours, and life is becoming crazy, at a million miles an hour, I found some words to encourage my soul. Hopefully they can help you, as well:
It is My Life I am giving you. It is not an emotion; it is not a virtue, though these may subsequently follow. It is Myself. Divine grace, heavenly love, infinite mercy, fathomless peace — all these will spring forth unbeckoned and irrepressible out of the depths within you because My Spirit has taken residence there.
If there is dryness within your soul and you do not have this life flowing forth, you need not grieve or chide yourself for being empty. Fill up the empty place with praise. The King will enter and bring His glory.
The open heart shall be filled. The sin confessed shall be forgiven. The hunger after righteousness shall be satisfied. Be as a little child. I will be to you a loving Father. You shall have what you desire because I love you. Let this be your hope, and your faith shall be rewarded.
It is easy to have a pity party. So very easy. But I guess we are called to more than that, yes? Yes. We are.
We are called to hope in the hopeless times. To love the people who have never been loved. To change what seems to be stuck in it’s own mud. There is something more than this life we live, and He is named Jesus. He wants to give us his life. Why not take it? What an amazing gift that we could never replicate!
“Divine grace, heavenly love, infinite mercy, fathomless peace”