Day 250

Two Sunday’s I have been here, and still I feel alone. Call me crazy, but I just want to be cared for. I don’t really understand why I feel this way, because I know I have a few people here that do care, but the ones that I want to spend time with, are never around, and don’t invite me with them.

This shouldn’t hurt me. But it does.

And I know the saying to give it up, and to give all my frustrations and hurts to Jesus, because he is the peace-giver and everything I need. I do believe that. But to me, when I hear that, it just sounds like fluff. I don’t want the fluff. I need a way to truly do it. Hearing those words is almost frustrating sometimes. It’s true that I want to give it all up, I don’t want to be angry or frustrated, but I don’t know how to be rid of it.

When I was younger, I held everything inside. And I guess I never learned what it meant to free my soul and give it all to God. I wish I knew what that meant.

This season of life, I knew from the start, was going to be a tough one. Maybe every season is not meant to be roses and sunshine, even if the roses are blooming and the sun is shining outside. The circumstances may not change, but my perspective about them can. I wish for my perspective to change. I’m tired of feeling like nobody cares, and maybe they don’t, but what I need to focus on is not the people in my life. I need to focus on the God who loves me. The God who cares deeply for me. The God who gave me life. The God who has never given up on me.

Much of my hope and trust has been put in people, and that will always lead me in the wrong direction, and, just like usual, I will find myself disappointed.

I can do this.

God, I need your direction.

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