Day 107

Esther

Today, I do believe was a full day. I worked for quite a few hours (always nice) and then drove to Wichita with a good friend to pick up my room mate from last semester. Days like this are good for talking, thinking and writing. Plus, chapel was good, and it made me realize how much I missed this place.

I have been listening to a fair amount of Esterlyn (a band) the last day and a half or so, and one song that I always seem to perk up for is a slower song. Seems a bit weird, but if you heard the lyrics.. Then you would know. (The title of this track is “Esther”) At the end of every verse, stands the phrase He is Love.

Such a powerful thought that I am beginning to realize more and more! It’s crazy to remember how much I thought I knew, compared to what I think I know now. And soon enough, even this information might be minuscule compared to what I will know then. Not that I am saying these thoughts I’m having aren’t a big deal, but I am saying that I can understand so much more as time comes towards me.

Then, comes the chorus. The part that made me melt the first time I heard it:

A father to the fatherless
A healer of the brokeness you make
Beauty from the ashes

A helper to the helpless
A fighter for the hopeless you Love
Those who are alone

More often than not, it seems that I keep learning the same things over and over.

When I read these words, or hear them sung in beautiful melody, I can’t help but feel some sort of discomfort at first. But then! I feel free! I was writing a letter to my best friend today and was just going through some of my hurts and when I had gotten done explaining most of it, this song came on. Specifically, this part of the song.

Call it coincidence, but I know that God ultimately controls it all. He is my healer.

The world needs a Healer like that, they just need to be brave enough to bare their scars. Yep, it kind of hurts, but it’s good.

Humanity hurts and they want to be loved.

Well, people! God is in fact Love, so look no further!

I needed love when I was younger, so I turned to things that harmed me rather than filling me with the love I was looking for. Instead of looking to God for healing, I looked to myself to find ways of hopefully fixing the lonliness. The aching in my heart.

Then, I was just a girl who struggled with the concept of love and what it meant to be loved and to give love.

Now, I am still just a girl who struggles with this concept, but dealing with it is not nearly as much of a bad thing as it used to be. I think, because of my early brokenness and struggles, I am inclined to work through it now, at 19 years old. Not that I regret it, but it is challenging.

God takes our brokenness and works his love, and everything else that he is, into it and it turns into something beautiful. What a wonderful way to be loved. He takes my ugliness and says, “you know what Megan? This is not what you are meant for. Here we go, back at the potter’s wheel, and then I have to fire you again.. I know, baby girl.. It hurts, but you got a little nick in  your side. I want to make you beautiful again. Let me.”

Who else?

I just went up and read the words of the chorus again. It really makes me think.. Like, why? Why should he love me? Well, as I mentioned a few days ago.. He can’t help it. He just does. God is Love, therefore.. He’s going to love us.

And love is what we all need. To feel fully alive and to live a life that is pleasing to God, we have to accept his love.

No, we do not have to understand it. Actually, let me rephrase that.

No, we will never understand it.

But, he is our Father, when we feel alone. He is the greatest Healer when our wounds are too deep for any doctor to treat. He is our Rescue when we have lost our way. He is our Defender when we are battling our foes and fears. He is Everything we need when we feel as if we have nothing. He is Love when we feel as if nobody cares about us.

It is a little hard to believe sometimes, but that is where faith comes in. A lot of times we want something tangible, don’t we? We want a hug or someone to tell us it’s going to all work out and that we’re stronger than we think. Sometimes, we do get those things, but sometimes we don’t. And when we don’t, that can be really frustrating, but I believe those are the times when God is urging us to look at him.

A song we sing in chapel sometimes, goes like this:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full into His wonderful face. The things of the earth will grow strangely dim, In the Light of His glory and grace.

Every time we sing this.. Man. May I just say, it’s amazing? Truly it is. I sometimes forget about this song, but when I sing it, or right now, when it’s playing in my head, I feel as though my troubles have slipped away.

Focus.

God wants to do everything he can for you, through his love. It’s impossible-seeming, isn’t it? A bit crazy I know, and I forget it sometimes.

But isn’t it freaking sweet to know that we are loved by the one who created us? I mean.. I can’t even count how many times I have made an art project and I didn’t like it.. Meaning.. There have been quite a few. So, to me, the fact that he’s created each of us, specifically unique and perfectly imperfect, and he loves us!

CRAZY!

But!

Awesome!

Wow. Sometimes, I just can’t understand anything at all. Now, it is totally one of those times.. And yet, I feel such a huge, cozy blanket of peace. It doesn’t make sense, but I don’t need it to.

God bless, stay fresh

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