Day 76

Running

I just got back from a run. My ears are a bit cold.. But other than my face, I had bundled up quite well so I wasn’t super frozen. My computer says it is 30 degrees outside.. Dang!

But anyways.. After however many minutes, I stopped and took a break because I saw a little stream that had an ice blanket on top. So I walked over to it and gingerly stepped on the frozen water. It held my weight, so I stepped on it with both feet. I kind of slipped around for a second or two, but I regained my balance and that’s when it hit me.. I’m standing on water.. 

So crazy!

Yes, it’s frozen, but if you think about it.. It’s still water. I have always thought that it would be cool to walk on water, and now..  I have.

God was supporting me then and he’s supporting me now, whether I choose to realize it or not.

After that little episode of discovery, I ran for a cold 5 minutes more and stopped when I saw a sign that had been blown in half. It had been bent around the pole it was on. I found that quite amazing and I reveled over that for a little bit.

Then.

I began to dance.

I began to sing.

In the middle of the desolate road.

I danced and I sang and I laughed and I moved and I breathed and I sat in God’s presence.. I felt him moving through my bones. I knew there was something that I had been missing. It was focus.

I realized that I had not been focusing on him, but rather on other things. Such as school. Friendships. Going home. My relationship. All the changes.

Pretty much everything except for God.

And when I figured that out.. It made me quite sad.

Why does my focus waver? Why can’t it just be constant?! That would just be great.. But it’s also unrealistic..

Sometimes I feel as though I am completely focused, but hardly ever am I.

Yesterday, I wrote in my prayer journal:

My Jesus! I need you to grab me again! Pull me quickly into your palm and close your fingers around me. The heartbeat in your pointer finger will pulse against my bare hand as I press it to the tip of your finger. Slowly, steadily, gently.. Bring my focus back to your desires, not my desire. Keep my standing and hold me up. Correct my posture and direct my footing.

When I was dancing and singing in the street, I felt closer to him. I didn’t care about the people driving by on the highway. I didn’t care about anything except praising my first Love by being ridiculous. I don’t want to ever lose this feeling. I want to feel it and be close to him all the time.

How is it that I can feel so close and yet I am nowhere near where I should be?

My heart longs to be passionate. I am desperate to feel the fire.

There you have my confessions for today. The longings of my heart. The desires of my soul.

Stay fresh, God bless

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